native may never come to value these
qualities or see them as anywhere near
the core of his or her being. In these
circumstances, children are also more
likely to view others in terms of their
achievements and see them as competitors or threats. They suffer both a
diminished sense of others and a diminished sense of themselves.
As Alice Miller (1981) describes in
her classic book on achievement pres-
sures, The Drama of the Gifted Child,
children may also learn to closet their
feelings, convinced that their parents
cannot tolerate anxiety, anger, or
sadness because these feelings might
impede their performance. Some
children find themselves ashamed and
angry at their parents without knowing
why and ashamed of this shame and
anger. Charles Ducey, a psychologist
who was the head of a counseling clinic
at Harvard University, told me that
he “saw students all the time who just
hated themselves for not succeeding,
for not getting a great grade in a course,
and they had no idea why they were so
hard on themselves.”
so they’ll have the option of becoming
a doctor, lawyer, or corporate leader,
some students sense the contradiction.
They’re not really being given options
to enter a whole array of lower-status
careers—whether in teaching, forestry,
carpentry, or firefighting—that may be
more aligned with their own passions.
may signal that parental achievement
pressure is out of control. When
parents’ self-esteem plummets when
a child does poorly on a big test or is
rejected by an elite private school, when
interactions with a child are consumed
by achievement talk, when parents
assess their child’s competition by
asking who in the cohort gets the best
grades or is applying to what colleges—
these are red flags.
It should also be a red flag when
parents find themselves popping vocabulary flash cards at the dinner table,
saying “we are applying” to a college, or
peppering college-admissions officers
Research suggests that children subjected
to intense achievement pressure by their
parents don’t outperform other students.
Conflicting Messages
Many parents and teachers send con-
tradictory messages about achievement.
Some students complain that school
staff members frequently, as one sub-
urban high school student put it, “give
lip service” to character, “but when it
comes down to it, all they really care
about is our grades.”
Some young people see their parents
as simply fooling themselves about how
much achievement really matters to
them. Students pick up on the contra-
diction when parents say they don’t care
whether their kids go to prestigious col-
leges as long as they’re happy—but then
pay staggering amounts of money for
SAT tutors, send them to independent
schools where getting into high-status
colleges is the holy grail, or visibly glow
when talking about certain top schools.
When parents or teachers say that stu-
dents should go to prestigious schools
For example, one student with a low
grade point average noted that he felt he
had to lie about it so students wouldn’t
look down on him. Another admitted
to behaving like “a jerk” because of the
intense stress. Added another, “Kids
here get obsessed with grades and forget
about friends.”
How Schools Can Work
with Parents
There’s no single, healthy approach to
promoting children’s achievement—
largely because how parents and
teachers think about achievement may
be rooted in widely different values
concerning money, status, and accom-
plishment. Yet schools can work to
curb destructive forms of achievement
pressure and help parents interact
more constructively with their children
around achievement.
with questions while their child stands
sullenly by as though facing incarceration. It should certainly be a red flag
when children show signs of debilitating
stress, such as not eating or sleeping
well, as a result of academic pressure
(Abeles & Congdon, 2009).
In her lectures, psychologist and
author Wendy Mogel urges parents to
stick to a 20-minute rule (see Bazelon,
2006)—spend no more than 20
minutes a day “thinking about your
child’s education or worrying about
your child, period.” Except in those
cases in which a child is having a significant academic or emotional problem,
that’s a good rule.
Send Red Flags
Schools might send home guidelines
or “red flags” that make parents aware
of specific feelings or actions that
Encourage Honest Conversations
Schools might guide parents in having
honest, constructive conversations
with their kids about achievement.
Large numbers of parents may underestimate what a relief it would be to
their children—and how much it would
support their children’s maturity and
secure their respect and trust—if they
